Just Let Me Say...

I'm sorry on my behalf, because I know a lot of it had to do with me and my problems. But I don't know what more there is to say on that topic. Next time, we'll learn from our mistakes and know better.

Left to Right.

I find it funny when you think you know something for certain, but then life hits you and you're like, "Woah. I didn't see that coming." And then everything turns out to be just something completely different than the way you expected it to be. You know what I'm sayin? I don't get why I always think I know what's going on but in the end of it all, I'm the clueless one.

I also don't understand why sometimes I feel so neglected by others, maybe it's just the type of person I am. I wish I was more effing outgoing. It makes me think that this holds me back from so much. But that's just who I am and what can I do about it yanno?

I want to get out of this stupid city. It brings back memories I don't want to remember and it makes me think about the times that I don't want to think about.

Everywhere I go, there's something that reminds me of you and it drives me crazy. Not in that reminisce good memory-type shit but the thought that makes me hate you more and more. Hate is a strong word so I'll use 'dislike' but I feel as if dislike doesn't explain half the things I feel towards you. The day you left, I felt like a part of me was gone. You keep telling me that it wasn't you that left, that it's me who won't let you back in. But why would I have to let you in if you never left? Do you get it?

I don't like that I'm living the same old lifestyle. Trying to start a journey with God is harder than I expected it to be. I've always been told that life as a Christian doesn't mean that it's going to be easy. There will be obstacles and times where you'll want to scream and shout. But that is not even a sacrifice if you compare it to what God has done for us. I want to get my life back on track.

Love all, trust a few.

Working on pieces. We'll see how they turn out.

Please forgive me and I'll change for the better,
Cause I know I won't stay the same forever.
And I write this letter to you so when I look back,
I'll get myself back on the right track.
_JoeHyon!

It'd be a lie if I said I didn't miss you. But I'm trying to keep you in the corner of my mind. I don't want to think about you, I don't want to end up the way I was; vulnerable and weak. That's the life I'm not looking forward to getting back. Thanks for the memories, though.

Birthday shout outs Brian Kim, Andrew Suh, Bianca Dizon, and Stumpy Kim!

"Peace, Love, and Lol."

♥


xoxo, Sandiepantie.

Please Tell Me Why.

I feel like I'm stuck in a hole and can't get out. I feel like I'm captivated by my own self and don't know what to do with my life. There's so many stressful things going around in my mind, I can barely think straight. Volleyball keeps me so occupied that I barely have time to do homework in time to sleep early. But studies should always be first, before anything. The due date for college apps are getting closer and closer. I can't seem to sit myself down and just work on them. I feel like I'm in my own little world. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't open up to anyone about anything and I hate that when troubled times come, I never turn to Him. It's a habit I'm going to break. I hate that senior year keeps me so effing busy and I have no time for anything. I hate it. I wish time would just stop.

Which brings me to the conclusion that I wasn't ready after all. I thought I was, I felt that I was. But I guess my instincts aren't always right. I wasn't ready to start this journey, I was never on the right boat like everyone else. I'm on my own and I don't understand why I'm perfectly fine with that.

Whenever I think of you, I get a rush of adrenaline and disgust at the same time. I don't know how much more I have to keep building this wall between us in order for you to understand that I'm sick of us, I'm sick of you, I'm sick of everything. I don't get why you keep trying when you know in the end of it all, you'll end up being hurt. It's not like I want to hurt you, I think you bring that upon yourself. Get a grip and jet.

I cannot text because my texting has been disabled until the 27th. I went over a couple and can't risk to go over any more. AH. Save me.

Time to get on with that gang load of homework, tata!

Life is A .. _______

* Fill in the blank.

Volleyball season has started! For girls, at least. Our first game wasn't our best, but we have to give ourselves credit. We were short on players due to injuries & uncleared physicals. We played against John Marshall, & lowkey, they weren't as good as they were the past few years. Our team just made a lot of dumb mistakes. Good game though. I love my varsity girls.

School is a throw. Budget cuts are making classes bigger & bigger. It's ridiculous. There's over 40 kids in each class. What the effff. This recession can suck it. Hehehe. Other then that though, life has been pretttty chill. Except I'm always tired after practice so I get lazy & don't wanna do jack except eat & sleep when I get home. Which reminds me, I should really start on my college apps. Sigh, college. Oh & I need to hurry up and sign up for SATs in November. I lagged it & missed the deadline for October's. Fml.

My daily replay: Boys Like Girls ft. Taylor Swift - Two Is Better Than One. Who knew an alternative/rock band can go so well with a country girl like Taylor? Yummm. I love love love this song. Thank you Paul Huh for the suggestion!

I want graduation to come already. But Brandon keeps telling me to stop saying that. I'm so tired of school. Man oh mannnn. I need a break. But then again, I want it to be September forever so I don't have to do college apps. I slackkk, shooot.

I hate it when people walk in your life & then walk right out like there was never a bond/friendship. I realized this when I came upon a status on facebook that said something about it being easier to open up to strangers & talking to them so freely because they don't know about your past or what you've done & they can't judge you because they don't really know you at all. But that's just my opinion.

Trusting God will lead me through this broken road I'm on.
I'm running out of things to say, so goodbye for the night.

Life is ... unexpected.

Butterfly, Fly Away

I don't know if this will make me look stupid and immature, but after watching the hannah montana movie, I woke up from this surreal-type life I'm living. After watching this movie, I learned to appreciate things around me. I've learned to appreciate the roof I have over my head, the food I'm provided day and night, the friends who are always there for me in the end, but most importantly, the two people who deep down, mean the world to me. I think I've taken my family for granted, thinking I'm so unfortunate growing up without my parents. But really, I'm blessed for so many different reasons. I know for a fact there are so many children out in the world, with no place to stay and no food to eat. And that to me, is so devastating, that there are people who are in need in that kind of way. I always took the nagging as, "Omg you're so annoying. Who do you think you are." But as of right now, I'm thinking, "Who am I to say, or even think those kind of things?" Where would I be without my grandparents? No where. They raised me to be who I am today. And no, I am not the most well-rounded person in school, I don't always get everything I want and I can't ask for everything all the time because I know we have limitations. But now I know, everything in the world means nothing, if you don't have your priorities set straight.

I'm on my own spiritual high.
I'm going to pray more, read His words more, and most importantly, pray a lot more.
I've always said things like, "I'm going to build my foundation whatever and have faith in God." But in fact, I never kept up with my words. And for a change, I'd like to experience first hand, what it's like to have His presence in my life.

So here's a song dedicated to my grandparents, for all that they've done to do the best they can in order to mold me into the person I am today. I'm not perfect, no, but I'd like to think that I'm a strong person because of them.

Butterfly Fly Away -Miley Cyrus

You tucked me in, turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly, fly away

Butterfly, fly away
Got your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true
Butterfly, fly away
You've been waiting for this day
All along and known just what to do
Buttery, butterfly, butterfly
Butterfly, fly away
Butterfly, fly away
Butterfly, fly away...

For once, I feel like I've expressed my feelings entirely. I feel good.